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Dedicated to the memory of Esperanza Aquino
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March 5th, 2002
- Tuesday Evening
Celebrity TV Chef Is In Hot Water!
The 
are Rising in This Celebrity's Kitchen.
Police About to
this Cucumber!
Details at the moment are
sketchy but we have the
latest information from our sister newspaper The Venice Beach Daily Breeze
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Tuesday,
March 5, 2002
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Local
News
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Prominent
Celeb Chef in Police Custody. Evidence Found By Police
Links Him To Fire
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| by Paul X. Agerator
Associated Press |
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Venice Beach- Famous TV chef and
author of many best-selling cookbooks, Emeril Lagasse, was taken into
custody late Monday
 night following a whirlwind investigation into
the disappearance of the equally famous but more talented Benito
Musselinguine. As you all know by now, Benito's
restaurant was set on fire late Thursday night under suspicious
circumstances.
 Mr. Musselinguine was believed to be in the
restaurant when the fire gutted the entire building. Venice Beach police
detective Dan Bookem said, " We have it under good authority that
Mr. Lagasse was connected to this violent reprehensible crime".
" Just look at those beady eyes", he said, " with that
blank look like
 he's been hitting the cooking sherry one too many
times". Although authorities did not specify what type of evidence
they had connecting Lagasse to the fire, they did acknowledge that he
had plenty of motive "He (Lagasse) knew he was gonna get his butt
whipped by Benito", Bookem said, referring to the nationally
televised cook off that was to take place the day after the fire. " I've been in Benito's place many times and his
Macaroni Salad was to die for", stated the detective. Apparently,
it was. Sources close to the investigation say that
Lagasse has no alibi concerning his whereabouts at the time that the
fire was started. "I was framed!” Lagasse cried as detectives
handcuffed him and escorted him to Venice Beach police station for
interrogation. "The old  geezer set me up!” he ranted," Ask Bobby
Flay where I was cause I was with him all night!” When questioned,
Bobby Flay answered, " I was at a bar in West Hollywood til 2:00am,
then I left there and walked a friend home
. I was with my friend the entire
evening", he added. "Poor Emeril, I think the pressure was
just too much for him, you know, that cook off and all. He was going to
prepare a goose for the cook off but now I think that his goose is
cooked".
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Tidbits for a Tuesday...
Here are some morsels to nibble on...served up
by Ana
- Conscience is what hurts when everything
else feels good.
- Talk is cheap because supply exceeds
the demand.
- Love is grand; divorce is a hundred
grand.
- Even if you are on the right track, you'll
get run over if you just sit
there.
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in
common. They both should be
changed regularly and for the same reason.
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It's easier to fight for ones' principles than to
live up to them.
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I don't mind going anywhere as long as it's an
interesting path.
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Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
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It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
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If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
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I don't get even, I get older.
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In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
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Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
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I am a nutritional overachiever.
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My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
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I am having an out of money experience.
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I am in shape. round is a shape.
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Practice safe eating - always use
condiments.
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A day without sunshine is like night.
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If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would
have in-laws.
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Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations
and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
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The real art of conversation is not only to say
the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong
thing at the tempting moment.
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Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy
beautician.
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Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat
cells live forever.
- You don't stop laughing because
you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
The
references and stories involving the Star,
Emeril and
Bobby Flay are
fictitious and in no way are they meant to be taken otherwise.
March 1st, 2002
- Friday morning
Extra
Extra Extra
Chef Dies in
Inferno!
Fire Chief believes Musselinguine
was the
key ingredient in this recipe for murder!
Neen Tribune's Chef
Benito Musselinguine is
missing and presumed dead in an early morning
blaze that destroyed his Venice Beach Restaurant.
Details at the moment are
sketchy but we have the
latest information from our sister newspaper The
Venice Beach Daily Breeze
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Thursday, February 28, 2002
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Local
News
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Fire Destroys Local Restaurant
Celebrity Chef feared dead
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| By Paul X. Agerator
Associated Press |
VENICE BEACH - A fire raged through this sleepy town of Venice Beach late last night engulfing the world-wide known restaurant, Benito's Blue Crab Bar and Grill.
The fire was isolated to the corner of Venice and 7th Avenue where the restaurant
once stood. "We haven't been able to determine the cause the cause of the fire but we have a sneaky suspicion that it was arson", claimed Assistant Fire Chief Walter Hose. "It's a tragedy that Venice Beach's greatest claim to fame has been wiped out. I'm gonna miss the joint," he added. Witnesses say they saw a dark colored late model BMW leave the scene just before the fire erupted.
" I saw two guys go around the back of the
restaurant with gas
cans", remarked one witness, who asked that he remain
anonymous." They set Benito's place on fire then sped off in the car like two bats out of hell".
"The whole place burned down to the ground," Chief Hose added, "I'd estimate the damage to be about $2000.00".
Assistant Chief Hose said that "Mr. Musselinguine was nowhere to be found." " I think there's some evidence of foul play
here," Hose said. " Benito has just disappeared from the face of the earth".
Bunny Bon Bons, formally Miss Seal Beach of 1994,
formerly Penthouse Pet of the month of June 1995, co-star of the
1996 porn blockbuster "Bunny Loves Bon Bons", and presently
working at "Nasty" Ignacio's Body Shop on Beech and 8th (where you can get a lap dance for only $20 and for this week only you can get two
lap dances for $20 w/coupon) .
"I called Benito-kins at 2:00am and like I told him that I would be getting off Nasty's in an hour." She said, "Chef-e-poo told me that he was like just finishing up with the books and that he would like wait for me inside the restaurant."
Ms. Bon Bons stated, "He was like, so happy! He was just reunited with his illegitimate son, Benito
Jr.,and, oh my god, we all had like such big plans for the upcoming cook off". As you may all know, the world renowned chef had just been challenged to a national
cook off by Emeril LaGasse last week. When Mr.Lagasse was notified of the Chef's restaurant burning down he said, "Hey! The old geezer had it coming".
 Detective Dan Bookem of the Venice Beach police department said," We have taken Mr. Lagasse in for questioning and he admitted that he and Mr. Musselinguine were not on the best of terms." When Detective Bookem asked Mr. Lagasse where he was at the time of the fire, all he said was, "I wanna see my lawyer!".
Benito Jr. could not be reached for comment.
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Our Publisher, like everyone here at
the Tribune is filled with sadness and shock. She quickly stated the Neen
Tribune will pay a reward of $10.57 to anyone who comes forth with any
information which leads to the arrest and convictions of persons
involved with this vicious, heinous crime.
Individuals who have any information are urged to call our special hotline
1-800-728-3465 (1-800-RAT-FINK)
February
28th, 2002
- Thursday morning
We are not the only
Publication that is interested
in the "Chef's Cook-off" The following is an article
from the sensationalist rag magazine, Peep Hole.
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*
EXCLUSIVE *
Things
are getting hot and heavy ( well at least Emeril is ) as we draw nearer
to the event of the century. Yes I'm talking about the heavyweight
battle of the cooks. It has been dubbed by the media as "The
Thrilla with Vanilla" and
" The Lynchin' in the Kitchen". We sent our
rookie photographer Pepe to see if he could get us an exclusive photo of
the fans who already are gathering outside the Arena. He came across a
couple of enthusiastic fans of Emeril Lagasse. They travelled all the
way from California to try to witness this historical event. Just the
very mention of Emeril's name and they lost their composure like
teenyboppers at an N'Snyc concert. I have never witnessed such love that
a human being could have for such a man. They wished to remain anonymous
so they would not give us their name but they said it was cool to take
their picture.
Well
thats all we have for now as the world waits in anticipation, from New
Orleans to the Phillippines. We will finally know who will reign supreme
as the undisputed champion of chefs !
This
article and photo courtesy of Peephole Magazine 2-27-02
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February
26th, 2002
- Wednesday morning
In Today's Tribune
Weekly Outreach Korner
by John
and Teena Aquino
"This
article will consist solely on the testimonies of what God has done in our lives
and of "devotional passages", short stories which examine life's problems
and how your faith plays a major part on how you get through those problems.
- John
Aquino"
Outreach
Korner
From
the Editor
Will the person who wrote anonymously in the
"message board" as John B please contact me?
Your
identity will be kept in the strictest confidentiality. You have my guarantee
and promise no one else will know.
Get
Ready for the Chef!
Exclusive!!
Sources tell me the Chef' has discovered some
very
interesting things about Mr. Lagasse. They say it will make you head spin.
Its
All in Friday's Edition of
The Neen Tribune
The references and stories involving the Star and Emeril Lagasse are fictitious
and in no way are they meant to be taken otherwise. Reference and stories are
purely for entertainment of family members of aquinohotline.com!
February
24th, 2002
- Monday morning
In Today's Tribune
Fund the cure - buy the stamps!
by Roni Aquino
Wouldn't be wonderful if 2002 was the year a cure for breast cancer was
found!!!!
The notion that we could raise $16 million by buying a book of stamps is powerful! As you may be aware, the US Postal Service recently released its new "Fund the Cure" stamp to help fund breast cancer research.
The stamp was designed by Ethel Kessler of Bethesda, Maryland
It is important that we take a stand against this disease that kills and maims so many of our mothers, sisters, friends. Instead of the normal $.34 for a stamp, this one costs $.40. The additional $.06 will go to breast cancer research. A book costs $6.80.This one is only $8.00. It takes a few minutes in line at the Post Office and means so much.If all stamps are sold, it will raise an additional $16,000,000 for this vital research. Just as important as the money is our support.
What a statement it would make if the stamp outsold the lottery this week.
I urge you to do two things TODAY!:
1. Go out and purchase some of these stamps.
2. E-mail your friends to do the same.
Many of us know women and their families whose lives are
turned upside-down by breast cancer. It takes so little to do so much in this drive.
We can all afford the $1.20. Please help and pass it on
Consumer Advocate Report
by Ana Villalba
Worker Rights in the Americas?
A Rare Inside Glimpse
Take a look it is extremely alarming but
more common than we may think.
Be aware Consumers!("click" on Nike logo)
More on Ana....
She just recently was the
receipient of a Celebrity Postage Card. Unfortunately our mail person
here at the Trib misplaced it. When it was recovered it didn't stay posted
for very long . So in case you missed it here it is!.
Coming soon to the Neen Tribune
Weekly Outreach Korner
John and Teena will be hosting this page
dedicated to testimonials and affirmations of
our beliefs.
February
23rd, 2002
- Afternoon edition
In Today's Tribune
Day 4 of Chef's Cook-off
The Chef is "shocked"
when he meets his new Apprentice
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Read it in the Chefs Korner
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Extra
- Extra
Star Lied - Serena denies wedding!!
The Tribune received a message in the messageboard from Serena denying the allegations made by the STAR (see archive dated Feb10th). The Tribune tried unsuccessfully to reach her for subsequent comments. It should also be stated the Tribune tried unsuccessfully to contact Lil Juan as well! As soon as new information becomes available we'll post it!
February 19th, 2002
In Today's Tribune
Academy Awards
We were out scooped!
I was waiting for a better time to announce it! But Cisco an Eburp beat us to it!
This was what I was going to post!
Jeff says the studio was so glad to be nominated, they invited the entire cast to the awards ceremony! He's getting his tux ready and he's reserving the limo!
The Chef Cook-off
The Chef reports on the latest events
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It's in the Chef's Korner (click here)
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T. Y. L. T. K.
Thought You'd Like To Know Korner
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Read Mixed Flavas grab-bag (click here)
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February 16th, 2002
In Today's Tribune
Message from a celebrity
Sorry Ana, we received this a couple of days ago, but our mail clerk misplaced it. Sorry about that. It will not happen again..Neen fired him!
February 14th, 2002
In Today's Tribune
Happy Valentines Day to all you lovebirds!
Here is the picture Crystina and Teena call "Bobby D"
This is Crystina's latest creation.
By the way it is only 90 percent complete
Bobby "D"
February 13th, 2002
