BARFA STEWART'S LIVING
Hello everybody! my name is Barfa Stewart and I know everything and how to do
every- thing. I'd even do my cousin Jethro if the price was right! My friend Keeno asked me to write a guest column on table etiquette. Beings that I am already an expert on so many things like grammar and stuff, table manners is right up my wazoo. This is the time of year of graduations and weddings and my helpful hints just might come in handy. With the help of the best damn photographer in the world, Pilip the preelance potograper, I will show you some dinner table do's and don'ts.
1. Never pass food via the mouth to your partner at the table. It doesn't matter if you are in the lovey dovey first stages of a relationship. It has a tendency to gross people out.
2. Never chew with your mouth open. Food might fall out in the middle of conversation and it might prevent you from getting lucky later in the evening.
I might be wrong here but already been chewed food on the table just might be a turn off, ( unless your name happens to be " Lil Juan " ).
3. Never lick your plate at the table. Although it just might have been the most delicious meal you ever had, this action has a tendency to show animalistic behavior. I might be wrong again but this also might be a turn off to that special someone that you are trying to impress on a date. This behavior is similar to picking your nose. It is okay to do it but not in public. Any parents who condone this public plate licking stuff should immediately be reported to the proper authorities, and should, in my opinion be locked up in the big house for a very long time ! In fact if anyone recognizes the plate licker please notify the Trib and proper action will be taken.
4. When a meal doesn't agree with, and you think that you are coming down with Kobe-itis, and you might need to hoik it up, always bring the napkin to your mouth. If it is a false alarm and you just need to burp, like this infamous table burper in the photo, act like you are coughing and burp at the same time. No one will ever know because you wisely covered it up.
Works all the time. But if you are like this infamous burper, no cover ups are necessary as she has been known to rip one off anytime, anywhere and either end.
5. When eating half a cow's ribcage, it's okay to pretend that you are playing an accordion.
6. Remember to dress properly ! Never wear a Hawaiian shirt to a formal dinner, unless you are Don Ho.
7. When eating watermelon, try not to stick the whole damn thing in your mouth ! And remember, elbows off the table !
8. And finally, when eating cake, as much as you might enjoy it, please, please, try to get at least some of it in your mouth ! Just slow down and take itty bitty baby bites and aim for the inside of the mouth. If your parents or husband is available you might ask for a bib and some assistance.
I hope these tips will be helpful and party on !
Photos supplied
by Pilip the Preelance Potograper
