Friday, October 24th, 2003
In Today's Tribune
By
Amerfino B. Aquino
I'd like to thank Heather,
Joan and Linda for making my private pre-birthday party so special.
Thanks girls. Same time next year? Oh Heather, you left your thong
in my car.
Don't forget to set your clocks back 1 hour on Sunday.
You wouldn't want to be late for
the 9:30 brunch at Charley Brown's on Sunday, would you?
Here's today's
tidbits
Born on
October 24th
Y.A.
Tittle (1926)
J.P.
"Big Bopper" Richardson (1930)
David
Nelson (1936)
F.
Murray Abraham (1939)
Kevin
Kline (1947)
Ben
Gillies (1979)
Monica (1980)
Gilbert Villalba (?)
Touring Ireland
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women
in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining.
The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's
too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin´ ya all your days if you kiss
the Blarney Stone," he guide said.
"Unfortunately, it´s being cleaned today and so no one will be
able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can´t be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some
other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can´t kiss the stupid
stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who
has kissed the stone, you´ll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you´ve kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma´am," the frustrated guide said, "but I´ve sat on it."
Do You Know Who
This Famous Person Is By Their School Photo?
answer below
Optical Illusion
George Carlin's Big Questions
Isn't
making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
OK...so if
the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay
Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the
Tennessee Titans?
If 4 out of
5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
George
Carlin Imponderables:
1. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
2. Why do
we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
3. Do
infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig
loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love
is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. When
someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two
cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
7. Why is
the man who invests all your money called a broker?
8. Why do
croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to
begin with?
9. When
cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
10. Why is
a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a racecar not called a racist?
11. Why are
a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
12. Why do
overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
13. Why
isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
14. "I am"
is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could
it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
15. If
lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?
16. If Fed
Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
17. Do
Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
18. What
hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
19. I was
thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older; then it dawned on me --they're cramming for their
final exam.
20. I
thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
21. Why do
they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them
while they deliver the mail.
22. If it's
true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
23. You
never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
24. No one
ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
25. Ever
wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
26. Last
night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.
27. If a
cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
28.
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Famous Person
Answer: Sylvester Stallone
Compensation?
What
is the Daily Buzzword for October 24th?
fickle \FIH-kul\
adjective
What does it mean?
: likely to change frequently without good reason
: inconstant
How do you use it?
Paula has fickle taste in clothing, preferring all black
one week and bright colors the next.
Are you a word wiz?
"Fickle" comes from the Old English word "ficol." Based on
what you know about "fickle" already, what do you think
"ficol" means?
A. deceitful
B. trustworthy
C. proper
D. adorable
Answer:
Don't change your mind if you picked A! Someone who is
fickle -- always changing his or her mind -- might not be
very reliable. But "fickle" stems from a word that describes
someone much more troublesome. When English speakers centuries
ago described someone as "ficol," they meant that the person
was deceitful or dishonest. "Fickle" is probably a distant
relative of the word "foe," which names someone who is even
worse than deceitful. "Foe" means "enemy," and comes from the
Old English word "fah," meaning "hostile."
Today's Jigsaw
puzzle
Monterey
Click here
http://www.jigzone.com/ms/z.php?ui=620820049i1042450&z=48_piece_classic
That's all for today's
edition. We hope you all have a pleasant weekend and we hope
to see you on Sunday.
Peace.
The following is what appeared
in Thursday's edition.................
In Today's Tribune
By
Amerfino B. Aquino
Well, it's that time of the year
again. Another year older and deeper in debt. A little wiser? I
don't know. I'd like to think so but I keep making the same freaking
mistakes. When I was a kid I used to think that if you were over 50
years old you were ancient. Some days I do feel ancient. Some days I
don't. Often times I wish that I could reverse time and go back to
when I was 15 years old. Ah, to be 15 again. No work, 3 month
vacations and no mortgage payments. To wake up in the morning and
not have a care in the world. To play all day and never feel one
ache of pain in your body. What a life!
It's funny. When you're 15, you
couldn't wait to turn 21. 21 turns into 30 and 30 turns to 40 and
before you know it, 40 turns into (gasp!) 50.
Complaints? Yeah, I've got some
issues that I'd like to have turned out different but I'll chalk
those up to experience. After all the crap that life has dealt me, I
really shouldn't complain. I have a great wife, wonderful kids and a
loyal and trusting family. What else does a guy need?
Ok, I'd like to win the lotto.
Here's today's
tidbits
Born on
October 23rd
Gummo Marx
(1893)
Johnny Carson
(1925)
Pelé
(1940)
Michael Crichton
(1942)
Martin Luther King III
(1957)
"Weird" Al Yankovic
(1959)
Al Leiter
(1965)
Masiela Lusha
(1985)
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for
help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put
his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still,
limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog,
regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to
accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts
the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks
from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally
looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm
sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks
from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet
looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog
is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks
how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man...
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my
initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab
tests."
Do You Know Who
This Famous Person Is By Their School Photo?
answer below
Reflex
Mom's Letter To
Redneck Son
Dear Redneck Son:
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home,
so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the
last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when
they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This
place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though:
Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them
since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the
first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said
it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we
cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it
is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks
just like your brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull
him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him
cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a Pickup truck. Ralph was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other
two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much has happened.
Love,
Mom
PS I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already
sealed
Dogs Anonymous
Famous Person
Answer: Hillary Clinton
What
is the Daily Buzzword for October 23rd?
meander \mee-AN-der\
verb
What does it mean?
1 : to follow a winding or complicated course
2 : to wander without a goal or purpose
How do you use it?
Darnell meandered slowly through the outdoor flea market,
just browsing since he had left his money at home.
Are you a word wiz?
Let's not wander from our purpose; let's get right to the
point. Which of the following words do you think is a
synonym of "meander"?
A. avoid
B. roam
C. praise
D. hurry
Answer:
"Roam," "ramble," and "meander" all mean to move about from
place to place without a plan or definite purpose, but each
suggests wandering in a unique way. "Roam" refers to carefree
wandering over a wide area often for pleasure (as in, "I
roamed over the hills for hours"). "Ramble" suggests traveling
in a careless way without concern for where you're going (for
instance, "Tourists rambled through the park"). "Meander"
implies following a winding course and moving lazily (for
example, "The river meanders through the town"). By the way,
"meander" can also be used as a noun meaning "a winding path."
Today's Jigsaw
puzzle
Fontana Funsters
Click here
http://www.jigzone.com/ms/z.php?ui=620820049i1040355&z=48_piece_classic
That's all for today's edition. Tune in tomorrow for
more.
Peace.
The following is what appeared
in Wednesday's edition.................
In Today's Tribune
By
Amerfino B. Aquino
I received an e-mail from a reader
yesterday. He was talking about the article I wrote about leaving
home. He said he had no recollection about leaving home that first
time and that that moment should have been a monumental occasion.
His remark started me thinking. When did I first leave home for
good? It's hard for me to remember because I left and returned so
many times. Maybe our minds' psyche has blocked that out of our
memories? Maybe subconsciously we wanted to keep that bond to our
childhood forever in our lives. Who knows?
Here's today's
tidbits
Born on
October 22nd
Sarah Bernhardt
(1844)
Curly Howard
(1903)
Joan Fontaine
(1917)
Timothy Leary
(1920)
Christopher Lloyd
(1938)
Tony Roberts
(1939)
Annette Funicello
(1942)
Catherine Deneuve
(1943)
Jeff Goldblum
(1952)
Zac Hanson
(1985)
Jonathan Lipnicki
(1990)
Mrs. Smith had always suspected her son, Mike, was having an
intimate relationship with his roommate, Jennifer. One night, Mike
invites his mother over for dinner. All thru the night, Mrs. Smith
watched Mike and Jennifer interact, and was pretty sure there was
more than met the eye. Mike saw his mother watching them and assured
her that they were just roommates.
A few nights later, Jennifer went to Mike with a problem. "Ever
since your mother was here for dinner, I have been unable to find
the gravy ladle. Do you think she took it?" Mike replied, "I doubt
it, but I'll e-mail her and ask her anyway." Mike sat down at the
computer and composed the following e-mail:
Dearest Mother, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and
I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains, since you were here for dinner, we have been unable to find
the ladle. Love always, Mike.
Two days later, Mike received the following reply from his
mother:
Dearest Michael, I'm not saying you do sleep with Jennifer, and
I'm not saying you do not sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains,
had Jennifer been sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the
ladle by now. Love, Mother.
Do You Know Who
This Famous Person Is By Their School Photo?
answer below
Asstroids
A woman's keywords
and their meanings:
(as told by a woman)
FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we
are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe
how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so
it's an even trade.
NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn
you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually
signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with a
huffy "Fine".
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in my getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word Fine".
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care".
You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes,
followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about
"Five Minutes" when she cools off.
(LOUD SIGH):
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement
very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an
idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you over Nothing".
(SOFT SIGH):
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of
the few things that some men actually understand. She is content.
Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
OH!:
This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble. Example:
"Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were
doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not
walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when
she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect
her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a
sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try
to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go
ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves
to write about them.
THAT'S OK:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to
a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard
before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have
one. "That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in
conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the
near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in
some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing
whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell
the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's OK."
THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "you're welcome."
THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A
LOT" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you
have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud
Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh", as
she will only say "Nothing".
What
is the Daily Buzzword for October 22nd?
unabashed \un-uh-BASHT\
adjective
What does it mean?
: not embarrassed or ashamed
How do you use it?
"Lydia was Lydia still; untamed, unabashed, wild, noisy, and
fearless." (Jane Austen, _Pride and Prejudice_)
Are you a word wiz?
We've told you what "unabashed" means. Now let's see if you
can recognize how to use it. Which sentence below uses
"unabashed" correctly?
A. The glass slipped from his hand and it unabashed when
it hit the floor.
B. No matter what we tried, we couldn't restart the
unabashed computer.
C. Marcy was unabashed about her ambition to become
yearbook editor.
D. Frank unabashed the softball and sent it soaring over
the fence.
Answer:
We hope you are unabashed about the choice you made. You can
rule out sentences A and D right away. Neither of those can be
correct because both use the adjective "unabashed" as if it
were a verb. Sentences B and C both use "unabashed" as an
adjective, so one of them must be right. Sentence B, however,
uses "unabashed" with the wrong meaning -- computers can't be
bold and unblushing (but they do crash sometimes). Only in
sentence C is "unabashed" used correctly as an adjective
meaning "not disguised or apologetic."
Geek's Wife
Answer To School
Picture: Cameron Diaz
Today's Jigsaw
puzzle
What????
Click here
http://www.jigzone.com/ms/z.php?ui=620820049i1038749&z=48_piece_classic
That's all for today's edition. Tune in tomorrow for
more.
Peace.
The following is what appeared
in Tuesday's edition.................
In Today's Tribune
By
Amerfino B. Aquino
When I was a kid I always wondered
what people meant when they said "you can never go home again". Of
course, I thought, you can always go home. Home was where Mom was.
Home was where there was always something cooking in Mom's kitchen.
Home was where you saw all your brothers and sisters at the end of
the day. Home was your shelter, your sanctuary, your place to lay
your head after a long day of playing. Home sweet home.
Now, as a grown-up, I realize what
it means.
Once you've left home, you can
never truly return. Moving away from a parent or parents is a
defining experience. After that, you can never re-capture the same
feeling that you had as a youth in living under a parent's roof.
The emotional state of mind changes
when a person enters adulthood. When you return to the place you
once called home, thanks to the passage of time, it's probably not
going to carry the same connotations as it did when you were a
youth. The loss of a parent (s), the shedding of youthful innocence
and the newfound realization of a cold and cruel world all signifies
the fact that the home you once knew is now, for all intents and
purposes, gone.
Gee, I wish I could go home just
one more time.
Here's today's
tidbits
Born on
October 21st
Alfred Nobel
(1833)
Dizzy Gillespie
(1917)
Joyce Randolph
(1925)
Judge Judy Sheindlin
(1942)
Benjamin Netanyahu
(1949)
Carrie Fisher
(1956)
Dining Out
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps
away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down
his chair and under the table, but the woman acted
unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his
chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman
dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware that her dining companion had
disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over
to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I
think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't.
He just walked in the door."
Case Of The Missing
Viagra
What is
the Daily Buzzword for October 21st?
extravagant \ik-STRAV-ih-gunt\
adjective
What does it mean?
1 : going beyond what is reasonable or suitable
2 : wasteful especially of money
How do you use it?
Joe came up with an extravagant story and begged pitifully
for an extension, but Mrs. Beeler didn't believe that his
homework was stolen by space aliens.
Are you a word wiz?
"Extraordinary" is "extra" plus "ordinary," so "extravagant"
must be "extra" plus "vagant," right? Not exactly. It is
"extra" plus a term formed from the Latin verb "vagari."
Based on what you know about what "extravagant" means, what
do you think "vagari" meant?
A. to look for money all the time
B. to listen carefully
C. to complain loudly
D. to wander about
Answer:
Someone who is extravagant may wander from common sense,
practical spending, or even the truth. For instance, an
advertiser might make extravagant claims about a new product
(that is, claims that are too good to be true). "Extravagant"
comes from the Middle English word "extravagaunt," which
meant "to wander away from the usual limits." English
speakers developed "extravagaunt" from a French term created
by combining "extra" (meaning "beyond") and "vagari" (meaning
"to wander about"). By the way, "vagari" also gave us
"vagabond," a term for someone who wanders about without any
true home.
Joe Garcia's
Refrigerator
Today's Jigsaw
puzzle
The
Mrs. & Me
Click here
http://www.jigzone.com/ms/z.php?ui=620820049i1036983&z=48_piece_classic
That's all for today's edition. Tune in tomorrow for
more.
Peace.
The following is what appeared
in Monday's edition......................
In Today's Tribune
By
Amerfino B. Aquino
Here goes another
week. Sixty six days till Christmas. Where did this year go?
I received a photo
of George W. from Keith Rooney via Neen. It was taken when he was in
the Philippines.
What can I say? I
understand that he wants to run our country the way Marcos ran his.
God help us all.
Here's today's
tidbits
Born on October
20th
Bela Lugosi
(1882)
Art Buchwald
(1925)
Mickey Mantle
(1931)
Tom Petty
(1953)
Snoop Dogg
(1972)
Taiyo is still on vacation
Breast Fed
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor
arrived, examined
the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the
baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She
did. He pinched
her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a
detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this
baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Still
Learning
Learn
Chinese In Five Minutes
Are you
harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P.
- Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse -
Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is
too high - No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to
the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a
coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you
need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark
in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight
been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an
unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you
were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow
away zone. - No Pah King
You are not
very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for
free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty
- Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a
while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was
scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have
arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of
sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning
his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Does this
bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?
Good Idea
What is
the Daily Buzzword for October 20?
reprimand \REH-pruh-mand\
verb
What does it mean?
: to criticize (a person) severely especially from a
position of authority
How do you use it?
Mr. Clark reprimanded the students for being late to class.
Are you a word wiz?
Unfortunately, "reprimand" is not the only way to criticize.
Which of the following words is a synonym of "reprimand"?
A. deny
B. admonish
C. intrude
D. fortify
Answer:
There are lots of synonyms for saying someone blew it.
"Reprimand," "admonish," "rebuke" and "chide" are all
appropriately critical for the task, but each implies a
slightly different level of severity. "Rebuke" suggests
severely or sternly criticizing ("The new reporter was
rebuked for an inaccurate story"), and to "reprimand" is to
publicly rebuke ("The ref reprimanded the player for his
unsportsmanlike behavior"). "Admonish" suggests warning in a
a friendly way ("We were admonished for talking during the
movie"), and "chide" is generally used for mild scoldings
("He chided her for using bad table manners").
Today's Jigsaw
puzzle
The
Matrix - Revisited
Click here
http://www.jigzone.com/ms/z.php?ui=620820049i1035700&z=48_piece_classic
That's all for today's edition. Tune in tomorrow for
more.
Peace.
