In Today's Tribune
By
Amerfino B. Aquino
Attention: Check
out Jeff Garcia's TV commercial on Mun2 Television. The name of the
show is Loco Comedy Jam. His commercial will run 2 times on Saturday
(11:00 p.m.) and 3 times on Sunday (8:00 p.m.). Frazier Smith is
doing the announcing.
Oops! I did it
again. I was looking at the message board and it seems that I've
offended somebody once again. When you're under the time and space
constraints as I am, you can't always get everything you want
published in one day's edition. When it comes time to print a
picture of a "birthday celebrity", I'm limited to the space I can
use.
Emeril. I'm so
sorry. Ever since the "Chef" debacle, I thought you had given up on
us. My deepest apologies. To show you how really sincere I am, I'm
posting this pic that Bobby Flay sent us.
Will you still cater next year's Piknik? Please?
Today's edition
will be the last one this week. We're going to resume our regular
Monday through Friday schtick next week.
Here's today's
tidbits
Don't forget
to view the Piknik photos
Click here
2003 Piknik
Photo Album
Born on
October 16th
Noah
Webster (1758)
Oscar Wilde (1854)
Eugene O'Neill (1888)
Oscar Wilde (1854)
Eugene
O'Neill (1888)
Angela
Lansbury (1925)
Suzanne Somers (1946)
Tim
Robbins (1958)
Flea (1962)
Kellie Martin (1975)
Bryon Williams (1990)
Note:
Taiyo is on a temporary
vacation. Still.
A Gift
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training
session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to
have a good trip.
The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring
for you?
The husband laughs and says: An English girl !!!
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: So,
honey, how was the trip?
Very good, thank you.
And, what happened to my present?
Which present?
what I asked for: the English girl?!
Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few
months to see if its a girl !!!
Yikes!
Top 10 things
he/she said
10) He said... I don't know why you
wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
9) She said...What do you mean by
coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
8) He said... Since I first laid eyes
on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I
would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband
follows me everywhere.."
Written just below it: "I do not."
5) He said... "Shall we try a different
position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
4) Priest... 'I don't think you will
ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'
3) He said... What have you been doing
with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
2) He said... Let's go out and have
some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
light on.
1) He said... Why don't you tell me
when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
Proud Parents
Today's Jigsaw
puzzle
GQ
Click here
http://www.jigzone.com/ms/z.php?ui=620820049i1030446&z=48_piece_classic
That's all for today's edition. We'll see you back on
Monday.
Peace.
The following is what appeared
in Wednesday's edition............
In Today's Tribune
By
Amerfino B. Aquino
Attention everybody!
Barbara's coming
down this weekend and she's got a lot of stuff she wants to get rid
of. She and Neen have asked me to tell everyone that there's gonna
be a yard sale in the Heights. So if you've got some stuff you wanna
sell, this is the time to do it. Here's the info:
What:
Yard Sale
When:
Saturday October 18th ( I don't know the times)
Where:
Hacienda Heights Halfway Hotel (formerly known as Benny &
Christine's place) - 16134 Wedgeworth Dr., Hacienda Heights, Ca.
91745
Call Neen for more
info.
Here's today's
tidbits
Don't forget
to view the Piknik photos
Click here
2003 Piknik
Photo Album
Born on
October 15th
Mario
Puzo
(1920)
Lee
Iacocca
(1924)
Linda
Lavin
(1937)
Penny
Marshall
(1942)
Jim
Palmer
(1945)
Emeril Lagasse
(1959)
Sarah
Ferguson
(1959)
Vanessa Marcil
(1969)
Note:
Taiyo is on a temporary
vacation. Still.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along
the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the
blonde.
The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on. The bathroom is
just up the hill. I'll go get some toilet paper."
After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says,
"What's so funny?"
The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and
look at her! By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that
seagull will be miles away!"
Love, Honor, and
Wait?
Do you know who
this famous person is by their school photo?
Answer below
The Year Is 1903
YEAR OF 1903: This ought to boggle your mind... The year is 1903,
one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes. Here are
the US statistics for 1903....
The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven (47).
Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven
dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved
roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily
populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents,
California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a
dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000.
More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg
yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the
country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the US were
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico,
Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30.
Canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
One in ten US adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter
at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears
the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach
and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time
servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.
Just think what it will be like in another 100 years from now. It
boggles the mind.
Logoff
What is the
Daily Buzzword for October 15th?
abridge \uh-BRIJ\
verb
What does it mean?
: to lessen in length or extent : shorten
How do you use it?
Mr. Blum instructed us to abridge our full reports to one
page, and to turn in the summary along with the rest of the
project.
Are you a word wiz?
Only one of the sentences below uses the verb "abridge"
correctly. Which one is it?
A. Audio book publishers often abridge novels so they
require fewer tapes.
B. My grandma often says, "I'll cross that abridge when
I come to it."
C. The stream was a small one and we abridged it easily.
D. Cathy was all abridge over the news that her puppy was
sick.
Answer:
Even a short explanation of the meaning of "abridge" shows
that the word is used correctly only in sentence A. In
sentence B, "abridge" is used as a noun, while in sentence D
it is used as an adjective. Since "abridge" is a verb,
neither of those choices is correct. Sentence C uses "abridge"
as a verb, but its meaning is all wrong -- it means
"shortened," not "crossed over." If the meaning of "abridge"
is still eluding you, just remember that it comes from the
same Latin root as another word for shortening things:
"abbreviate."
School Photo Answer
: Christina Aguilara
Today's Jigsaw
puzzle
Da
Boyz
Click here
http://www.jigzone.com/ms/z.php?ui=620820049i1029031&z=48_piece_classic
That's all for today's
edition. Tune in tomorrow for more.
Peace.
The following is what appeared
in Tuesday's edition...................
In Today's Tribune
By
Amerfino B. Aquino
Today I want to
talk about the website. Now I can just hear you all saying, " Look
honey, that Amerfino is gonna go on another one of his weekly
tirades. He's gonna complain again about how he doesn't get the
recognition he so richly deserves. He's gonna whine about how he
scours the ends of the internet just looking for the best pictures
for us to view. Then he's gonna moan that he spends hours on end
trying to find those perfect jokes for us to read and then cry about
all the hours he has to spend editing them. Then he's gonna give us
that spiel about how he isn't appreciated".
No. I'm saving my
ranting for tomorrow.
I know that we'd
all like to thank Neen for creating this vehicle in which we can
communicate to each other and keep us all closer together. For the
last two and a half years she has been paying for this web space but
in these hard times, that's a big load for one person to bear.
That being said, I'd like to give a couple of acknowledgements.
Timi and Ron Watson
have paid for July, August and September and Barbara has paid for
October, November and December, 2003.
If any of you would
like to pledge for a three month support of this site, please let
Neen know. I believe it's only $14.95/month.
Hey, where else can
you get such cheap entertainment?
Here's today's
tidbits
Don't forget
to view the Piknik photos
Click here
2003 Piknik
Photo Album
Born on
October 14th
Dwight
Eisenhower
(1890)
e.e. cummings
(1894)
John Wooden
(1910)
Roger Moore
(1927)
Ralph Lauren
(1939)
Harry Anderson
(1952)
Usher
(1979)
Stacy Keibler (1979)
Note:
Taiyo is on a temporary
vacation
------------------------------------------------
HAPPY COUPLE
------------------------------------------------
Two gay men
decide to have a baby. They mix their
sperm, then have a surrogate mother
artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush
to the hospital.
Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying
and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out
the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy
children, and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "He's happy now, ... but just wait
until we take the pacifier out of his butt."
Great Military
Quote
Rodney Dangerfield's 21 Best
One-Liners...
1. I was so poor growing up .. if I
wasn't a boy I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and
said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always
wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel
4. One day I came home early from work
I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are
you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this
morning put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my
briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the
bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I
played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My
bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother
never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carries
around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came
into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did
everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning
sickness... AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was
kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said
he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a
policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him,
"Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid.
There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club.
I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet
shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor,
every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like
throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said... "I don't know but
your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd
swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a
few drinks and get some rest.
18. I got no respect. I asked my old
man, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a
cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt
because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in
my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times, three of those
times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me
poster boy - for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have
me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
Trivia
What is the
Daily Buzzword for October 14?
egregious \ih-GREE-jus\
adjective
What does it mean?
: very noticeable : glaring
How do you use it?
It was clear from Mom's scolding that making slurping noises
at the dinner table was an egregious mistake.
Are you a word wiz?
Sometimes, a word's meaning changes over time. "Egregious"
used to have a different meaning than it does now. Which word
below do you think tells the former meaning of "egregious"?
A. small
B. fat
C. distinguished
D. sentimental
Answer:
Before the 1500s, it was a compliment to be called
"egregious." Back then, the term meant "distinguished," and it
was used for someone who had some remarkably good quality.
However, people started using the word ironically to refer to
people who were not really distinguished, but who seemed to
think they were. As a result, the meaning of "egregious"
gradually shifted from "distinguished" to "conspicuously bad"
-- so you definitely don't want to do something egregious now!
My Kind Of Water
Cooler
Today's Jigsaw
puzzle
CMA - ANA -
ABA
Click here
http://www.jigzone.com/ms/z.php?ui=620820049i1027378&z=48_piece_classic
That's all for today's
edition. Tune in tomorrow for more.
Peace.
The following is what appeared
in Monday's edition.....................
In Today's Tribune
By
Amerfino B. Aquino
Jokester Jailed
Associated Press
Miami Beach
-- FBI
officers raided the Wing and a Prayer Presbyterian Church and bingo
hall late Sunday evening on a tip they received from an anonymous
caller in Santa Clarita, California, who claimed that they would
find a fugitive from justice there. " I knew who she was the moment
I saw her" said agent John Sequino. "I just took one look at those
beady eyes and that smirk on her face and I knew it was that lady in
the wanted posters. "That Lady", that agent Sequino was referring
to, was none other than the infamous "Taiyo" who had fled
California 2 days earlier.
As you all
know, Taiyo had received national acclaim as one of the "Bingo
Girls" a few years ago due to her fast and furious addiction to
bingo. Two months ago she was hired to write jokes for the southern
California based newspaper Neen Tribune. It was about that time when
she developed a serious ice cream/bingo dependency and walked off
the job without notice. A week later, after heated discussions
between her attorney Johnny Cockroach and the Neen Tribune law firm,
Aquino, Garcia & Goldstein, she renegotiated her contract and
returned to work.
" I thought
everything was fine", said Amerfino, her employer at the Neen
Tribune. "After we renewed her contract she was cranking out jokes
left and right. Then ten days ago she just stopped. Next thing I
knew, she was at the Betty Ford clinic". An undisclosed source at
the Betty Ford clinic said that Taiyo had voluntarily admitted
herself into the facility four days ago but left two days
thereafter.
Taiyo being taken to jail by agents Steve Wohr and John Sequino -
photo by AP
Taiyo being fingerprinted by officer Hugo Villalobos - photo by AP
Taiyo's attorney, Johnny Cockroach, said that his client has not
committed any crime. "She went into the clinic voluntarily and she
left voluntarily" he said. "She's just as innocent as OJ was". When
asked how he plans to defend Taiyo in court, he said," The race card
worked for OJ, but for Taiyo, I think I'm going use the Bingo Card".
Taiyo's arraignment is set for Tuesday. Her attorney said that she
will not fight extradition because then she will get a free ride
home.
Here's today's
tidbits
Don't forget
to view the Piknik photos
Click here
2003 Piknik
Photo Album
Born on
October 13th
Paul Simon (1941)
Sammy Hagar (1947)
Chris Carter (1957)
Marie Osmond (1959)
Jerry Rice (1962)
Michael Villalba ( ?)
Nancy Kerrigan (1969)
Ashanti (1980)
Note:
Taiyo is on a temporary
vacation
Tears
------------------------------------------------
A man and woman were recently celebrating their 50th wedding
anniversary.
While
cutting the cake, the wife was moved after seeing her husband's eyes
fill with tears.
The
wife took his arm, and looked at him affectionately. "I never knew
you were so sentimental." she whispered.
"No . .
. No . . ." he said, choking back his tears, "That's not it at all.
Remember when your father found us in the barn and told me to either
marry you or spend the next 50 years in jail?"
"Yes," the wife replied. "I remember it like yesterday."
"Well," said the husband, "Today I would be a free man." "
You Think You Know About Flatulence? Try This Guide.
Click here
http://www.thinkhumor.com/en/funnypages/funfartguide
Finding Nemo
What is the
Daily Buzzword for October 13th?
pixel \PIK-sul\ noun
What does it mean?
: any of the small elements that together make up an image
(as on a television screen)
How do you use it?
Many tiny pixels form the images we see on television
screens and on computer monitors.
Are you a word wiz?
Where do you think the word "pixel" comes from?
A. It comes from a combination of the words "pictures" and
"element."
B. It comes from the name of the person who invented
television.
C. It comes from a Latin word meaning "image in light."
D. It comes from the name of the first computer program.
Answer:
When you look at words or images on television or on a
computer, what you see is actually made up of many tiny dots
of color. Each dot, or pixel, is a part or element of the
image. The "pix" part of "pixel" is short for "pictures." The
"el" part comes from "element," meaning "one of the parts of
which something is made up." So, taken together, "pixel"
means one of the parts making up an image. Get the picture?
Hackers
Today's Jigsaw
puzzle
Partay Gurlz
Click here
http://www.jigzone.com/ms/z.php?ui=620820049i1026331&z=48_piece_classic
That's all for today's
edition. Tune in tomorrow for more.
Peace.
The following is what appeared
in Sunday's edition......................
In Today's Tribune
By
Amerfino B. Aquino
Today is Lola
Villalba's birthday. Lola was the most generous, most unselfish and
most thoughtful person that God ever put on this earth. She was the
ultimate symbol of motherhood. She gave so much yet never took. She
suffered so much and yet never complained. Through all the tragedies
in her life she managed to keep her sanity. And through all the
grief and sorrow she still managed to keep her faith.
If all the
mothers in the world had just an ounce of Lola's worth, this would
be a much better world to live in. Happy birthday Lola.
Here's today's
tidbits
Don't forget
to view the Piknik photos
Click here
2003 Piknik
Photo Album
Born on
October 12th
Dick Gregory
(1932)
Luciano Pavarotti (1935)
Chris Wallace
(1947)
Susan Anton
(1950)
Kirk Cameron
(1970)
Marion Jones (1975)
Note:
Taiyo has escaped from the Betty Ford clinic.
She reportedly was last seen boarding a bus in El Monte
heading eastward. If you have any information as to the
whereabouts of Taiyo you are asked to contact the La Puente
Sheriff's station. We are told that there is a $10 reward
upon the arrest and conviction of Taiyo aka "Bingo Bonger". We have installed a joke submitted by Chiyo. We hope this is
only temporary .
------------------------------------------------
Dallas Cowboys Humor
------------------------------------------------
Q:
What do you call 47 people sitting around a
TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Dallas Cowboys
Q: How many players did the Cowboys dress for their last
game?
A: 22. The rest dressed themselves.
Q: What's Jerry Jones' biggest concern?
A: Does bail money count against the salary cap?
Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.
Q: Four Dallas Cowboys are in a car. Who's driving?
A: The police.
------------------------------------------------------------
More Dallas Cowboy
Humor
------------------------------------------------------------
Doctors say that because of Michael Irvin's broken
clavicle, it will be 6-8 weeks before he can videotape a
teammate having sex.
I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin.
They got rid of the refrigerator and now they want
a coke machine.
The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that
Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf
because the Cowboys play better on "grass".
The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System".
Yes, your Honor, No, your Honor.
The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season last year.
12 arrests, 5 convictions.
The Cowboys knew they had to do something for
their defense, so they hired a new defensive
coordinator; Johnny Cochran.
How do the Cowboys spend their first week at
spring training? Studying Miranda Rights.
What's the difference between a Cowboys fan
and a baby?
Eventually the baby stops whining. "
Michael Takes The
Final Step
Puzzler
Question
I am
the center of gravity, hold a capital situation in Vienna, and as I
am foremost in every victory, am allowed by all to be invaluable.
Though I am invisible, I am clearly seen in the midst of a river. I
could name three who are in love with me and have three associates
in vice. It is vain that you seek me for I have long been in heaven
yet even now lie embalmed in the grave. What am I?
Answer to Puzzler below
Trivia
What is the
Daily Buzzword for October 12th?
curious \KYUR-ee-us\
adjective
What does it mean?
1 : eager to learn
2 : inquisitive
3 : attracting attention by being strange or unusual : odd
How do you use it?
Josie was curious about who had lived in her house when it
was built 200 years ago, so she started reading about the
history of her town.
Are you a word wiz?
If you are reading this it probably means that you are
curious about words. See if your curiosity can help you
figure out which of the following words is a relative of
"curious."
A. curly
B. accurate
C. occur
D. scare
Answer:
Answer B is an accurate choice. English speakers adopted
"curious" from the French word "curios," but that French term
developed from the much older Latin word "curiosus," which
can mean "careful" or "inquisitive." We can trace "curiosus"
back to another Latin word, "cura," which means "care."
"Accurate" comes from the Latin "accurare" meaning "to take
care of" and which also traces to the Latin "cura." Some other
members of the "cura" family include "cure," "scour," and
"secure."
Answer to Puzzler:
The
letter V
For The Muchachos?
Today's Jigsaw
puzzle
The Newly and Oldie Weds
Click here
http://www.jigzone.com/ms/z.php?ui=620820049i1024739&z=48_piece_classic
That's all for today's
special edition. Tune in tomorrow for more.
Peace.
