Friday, November
21st, 2003
Extra!! Extra!!
Editor is missing! Extra!! Extra!!
This just
in.....
Amerfino Aquino,
newly appointed editor of this paper and his wife Christine are
missing!
Phone calls to
their house and cell phones have gone unanswered. We dispatched an
employee to his exclusive and gated condominium nestled in the hills
of Canyon Country with no success!!
Their sons and
daughters are currently being notified.
Amerfino, if you
are not aware is a dedicated and punctual employee (at least to this
job). He is always at his Editor's desk with his tea and Sports Page
at 4:00 a.m. sharp!
If he is
burned-out, out of ideas or planning a trip to you-know-where, he is
always considerate and lets his "higher-ups" know and of course he
lets you, his fans know.
This morning
however is different. There has been no sign of him. His desk is
clean and shows no signs of disarray. All that is there is his
teacup and his copy of Photoshop for Dummies (9th Edition)
and one poster.
We were told by
authorities that their hands are tied and there is nothing we or
they could do. We will have to wait 24 hours before they can
respond.
If you have any
information about Amerfino and Christine please notify Neen here at
the Tribune or please use the message board.
If any late
breaking news or events involving their whereabouts or well being,
we will post it here.
Extra!! Extra!!
Editor is missing! Extra!! Extra!!
Oh, here is the
poster we found on his desk.
The following is what
appeared in Thursday's Edition...........
In Today's Tribune
I was rummaging
through my e-mail bag today and I ran across this interesting letter
from a concerned tamale lover.
Dear Mister
Editor,
I know you have a busy schedule and all, but did you forget to
announce when the Tamale Bash was gonna be this year?
Maybe I should be asking if there is gonna be one this year? I know
it can be a real pain in the you-know-what and people just got tired
of the hassle. If that's the case I don't blame them!
So either way I'm ready to hear the news!
Slap-Happy Spreader
Well, Slap-Happy,
I'm in the same boat as you are. I haven't heard anything about a
2003 Tamale Bash. Is it too early to be planning anything?. I think
the usual practice is two weeks before Christmas. If so, then we are
only 3 weeks away from a Bash. I would venture to guess about
December 13th or thereabouts. That's just around the corner. I think
the only way to find out if there's gonna be a Bash is to go
straight to the source. The Tamale Mama. The Supreme Spreader. The
Femme Fantastic Filler. The one (never to be duplicated) and only
COMMISH.
Commish, if you can
read this message then give us a sign. We await your Word. Don't
keep Slap-Happy hanging.
Here's today's
tidbits
Born on
November 20th
Alistair Cooke
(1908)
Robert F. Kennedy
(1925)
Kaye Ballard
(1926)
Estelle Parsons
(1927)
Richard Dawson
(1932)
Dick Smothers
(1939)
Veronica Hamel
(1943)
Bo Derek
(1956)
Eavesdropping
Elder
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was
able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman
went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
"your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family
yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will three times!"
Here's Larry in his first starring role
Move
Over Mel
Gravity
I've had so many
requests for the cryptoquotes that I've decided to bring them back.
Here it is.
Daily Cryptoquote
What
is the Daily Buzzword for November 20th?
hobnob \HAHB-nahb\
verb
What does it mean?
: to associate in a friendly manner
How do you use it?
Linette dreamed of going to Hollywood so she could hobnob
with movie stars and other celebrities.
Are you a word wiz?
Authors are great ones for introducing us to new words.
Which author do you think was the first to use "hobnob"?
A. J. K. Rowling
B. William Shakespeare
C. Dr. Seuss
D. Lewis Carroll
Answer:
Shakespeare gets credit for bringing "hob" and "nob"
together in his comedy _Twelfth Night_. In the play, which is
full of disguised characters and mistaken identities, a woman
named Viola dresses up as a boy to take a job working for a
duke. When the disguised Viola is challenged to a duel, Sir
Toby Belch warns her, "Hob, nob is his word." Sir Toby meant
that the challenger was basically saying "hit or miss."
Shakespeare's "hobnob" is probably an alteration of the older
word "habnab," which meant "to have or not have, however it
may turn out."
Today's Jigsaw
puzzle
Click here
Twins???
That's all for
today. Tune in tomorrow for some more stuff.
The following is what
appeared in Wednesday's Edition...........
In Today's Tribune
Click
here to see me
Yup. That's me.
Bigger than life. When you're the editor of a big time publication,
you can make yourself as big as you want to be. The sky's the limit.
Seriously, I was just messing around with this idea last night and
this is what came of it. I just had to show it to you. Neat, huh?
I'm beginning to learn that anything is possible if you just do your
research and experiment. If you fail, then you've learned a lesson.
If you succeed, then you've gained the confidence to achieve more.
Enough of Philosophy 101.
Here's today's
tidbits
Born on
November 19th
Tommy Dorsey
(1905)
Indira Gandhi
(1917)
Larry King
(1933)
Dick Cavett
(1936)
Ted Turner
(1938)
Calvin Klein
(1942)
Meg Ryan
(1961)
Jodie Foster
(1962)
Kerri Strug
(1977)
McCaughey septuplets
(1997)
Going
the Speed Limit
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along
at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls
the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old
ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes
wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I
don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What
seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you
should know that driving slower than the speed limit can
also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was
doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!"
the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer,
trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was
the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed,
the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out
her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is
everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and
they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the
officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off
Route 119."
You're having
people over for dinner at a moment's notice? You don't know what to
prepare? You need something fast? You're getting tired of Mr. Ed's
crap and his sarcastic back talk? Is that what's got your panties in
a bunch, Bunky? Well, have no fear! Here's the solution to all your
problems.
The
Santa Anita Treat
Manual Backup
I've had so many
requests for the cryptoquotes that I've decided to bring them back.
Here it is.
Daily Cryptoquote
What
is the Daily Buzzword for November 19th?
meteor \MEE-tee-er\
noun
What does it mean?
: one of the small bodies of matter in the solar system
observable when it falls into the earth's atmosphere where
the heat of friction may cause it to glow brightly for a short
time; also : the streak of light produced by the passage of a
meteor
How do you use it?
"Out of the west leaped a meteor, lighting the roof of the
skyscraper almost to midday." (O. Henry, "Psyche and the
Pskyscraper")
Are you a word wiz?
Meteors come from outer space, but the word "meteor"
comes from right here on Earth. Which language do you think
"meteor" came from originally?
A. Chinese
B. Greek
C. Sanskrit
D. Spanish
Answer:
The ancient Greeks gave us the name "meteor" for what we
also sometimes call shooting stars. The ancient Greek word
for the spectacular streaks of light observed in the night
sky comes from "meteoros," meaning "high in the air." Most
meteors burn up completely as they enter the earth's
atmosphere. In some cases, however, a small part of the
meteor will reach the surface of the earth. We use the
special name "meteorite" for these objects, which are very
important to scientists who study outer space.
Remember what
our resident astronomer, Danielle, said.
Tonight is the
peak night to watch the Leonid meteor shower.
Bundle up and
keep your eyes to the sky.
Today's Jigsaw
puzzle
Click here
MAYHEM
That's all for
today. Tune in tomorrow for some more stuff.
The following is what
appeared in Tuesday's Edition...............
In Today's Tribune
I received an
e-mail from Tony last night. He has a rebuttal, if you will, to
Ted's tribute to his uncles. I'm not as eloquent with words as Tony
is but I know I speak on behalf of Larry and myself that these were
words we wished we could have expressed to Ted. Here is Tony's
response to Ted.
BIRTHDAY REBUTTAL
from a wise guy
Wow ! Did I miss a
meeting or something? Have traditions changed? I thought that when
you have a birthday all the warm wishes and accolades should be
directed to you. Leave it to a compassionate individual like the one
and only T.C. to pull a switcheroo.
T.C., your heart
speaks volumes and your words of love and respect definitely do a
number on the tear ducts (and Robin didn’t even call me a sissy this
time). On behalf of my brothers and myself, I would like to say “We
are not worthy” ( well maybe they aren’t ). But since you are a man
of honesty and integrity, I must say there might be an inkling of
truth to your compliments (just kidding). Contrary to popular
belief, I did NOT push you out of my car, to set the record
straight, I believe my ex-wife was driving at the time and I will
just leave it at that.
Growing up, Benny,
Larry and I were three very different people with different
personalities. We had our moments of fights and disagreements. I
have documented my feelings about my father but I think the one
constant in our lives was the love we had for our mother (your
grandma). She was the one who instilled the morals and values in
us. Whatever acts of love or kindness that we have bestowed upon
you and others, I believe they are an extension of her love. With
all the differences that my brothers and I have had, I am proud to
say that we are now closer than we ever have been in our entire
lives.
We have all heard
the saying “ Do unto others ”, Well I know for a fact that Ana,
Lisha, Dylan, O.J. and other younger cousins consider you to be
their role model. I have always felt that to put a smile on a
child’s face and provide them with a lasting memory; is a gift that
can never be taken away. From the interesting stories that I have
heard from them, you have provided that.
It is obvious, as
an observer, that you are a good father and that you know that it
requires a great amount of love, understanding and patience. You
provide the positive support and discipline which will build
confidence and character in your boys. The things that we felt were
lacking from a father figure, we have been blessed with the
opportunity to do so for our own. It ain’t easy but the results are
rewarding to the soul. To be loved by the children that you raise,
biological or not, is one of life’s fulfilling pleasures.
You are a pioneer
in the fact that you have pursued and become an entrepreneur,
another family first. We know it takes a special person to attempt
such a venture, knowing of the sacrifices and risks involved. I
admire your perseverance in following your dreams through these
tough economic times. I am too insecure and a big chicken to try
anything like that.
I have learned
so much about life from you. I envy your drive and determination. I
will never forget when your high school coach Dave Merrill said that
you couldn’t play Division 1 college football. You didn’t give up
and played at SAC then eventually at the University of New Mexico.
Or when you decided to locate your biological father, after many
dead ends you finally succeeded.
Hillary Clinton
wrote a book titled “It Takes A Village”. I disagree, you have shown
that it takes one man with a good heart.
T.C., you are my
hero !
Happy 36th
Birthday !
With Love,
“Tone”
Ted Carrier has requested a
special edition to pay tribute to some very important people in his
life in honor of his birthday.
Please click on the link below:
My Three Wise Men
Here's today's
tidbits
Born on
November 18th
Imogene Coca
(1908)
Alan Shepard, Jr.
(1923)
Brenda Vaccaro
(1939)
Linda Evans
(1942)
Elizabeth Perkins
(1960)
Kirk Lee Hammet
(1962)
Do
You Hear Me Now
An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his
wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to
make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an
appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a
simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some
idea of the state of her problem.
'Here's what you do," said the doctor,
"start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal
conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30
feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the
kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to
himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey,
what's for supper?"
No response.
So the husband moved to the other end
of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's
for supper?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room
where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for
supper?"
Again he gets no response.
So he walks up to the kitchen door,
only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for supper?"
"Damn it Earl, for the fifth time,
CHICKEN!"
So you think you
know all about tamale making? You don't know Jack Chili until you've
gotten your hands on this.
Timi's Book
Determination
I've had so many
requests for the cryptoquotes that I've decided to bring them back.
Here it is.
Daily Cryptoquote
What
is the Daily Buzzword for November 18th?
visage \VIH-zij\
noun
What does it mean?
: the face of a person or sometimes an animal; also : look,
appearance
How do you use it?
Nathan has a bright, cheerful visage, so he easily snagged
a job as host at a family restaurant.
Are you a word wiz?
Let's face it: there are several words in English that mean
"face." We've told you about "visage." Now guess which of the
rather long words below means about the same thing.
A. tiddlywinks
B. trapezoid
C. phraseology
D. physiognomy
Answer:
If you chose D, put a smile on your face! "Physiognomy"
refers to the shape of your face. Another word, "countenance,"
is usually used to refer to your face and how it can often
show what mood you are in. "Visage" has double duty -- you can
use it to talk about both the shape of the face and the mood
your face reveals. "Countenance" and "physiognomy" are only
used when talking about human beings, but you can use "visage"
to talk about the appearances of nonliving things too. For
example, an old abandoned factory might have a dirty visage.
Today's Jigsaw
puzzle
In
The Kitchen
Click here
If you can't stand the heat......
That's all for
today. Tune in tomorrow for some more stuff.
The following is what
appeared in Monday's Edition...............
In Today's Tribune
I want to thank Ted
for that great tribute he gave to Larry, Tony and myself. He was way
too kind. In fact, it was so good I've decided to keep it up on the
site all this week just so I can read about what a great guy I am. It's
hard to believe that that scrawny little kid is now 36 years old and
a full fledged grown man. Well Ted, welcome to the old timers club.
They say that the eyes are the first thing to go when you start
getting old. Then, well, you know what the second thing is that goes
bad. After that it's all downhill. In honor of you, I've compiled a
"you know you're getting old when" list. Here it is.
Here's today's
tidbits
Born on
November 17th
Lee Strasberg
(1901)
Rock Hudson
(1925)
Gordon Lightfoot
(1938)
Martin Scorsese
(1942)
Lauren Hutton
(1943)
Tom Seaver
(1944)
Lorne Michaels
(1944)
Danny DeVito
(1944)
RuPaul
(1960)
Laura Wilkinson
(1977)
Isaac Hanson
(1980)
One
way
As a
senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman,
I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
280. Please be careful!'
'I know,' said Herman, 'But, It's not just one car, it's hundreds of
them.
You've all heard
the catch phrase for the national dairy association, "Got milk?".
Here's Timi in another farmer's campaign.
Timi's
Commercial
Lost Puppy
I've had so many
requests for the cryptoquotes that I've decided to bring them back.
Here it is.
Daily Cryptoquote
What
is the Daily Buzzword for November 17th?
groggy \GRAH-ghee\
adjective
What does it mean?
: weak and unsteady on the feet or in action
How do you use it?
Britney is always so groggy on Monday mornings that she
stumbles around the house as if still asleep, tripping and
dropping things everywhere.
Are you a word wiz?
"Groggy" developed from a nickname that British sailors in
the 1700s used for one of their admirals. All of the terms
below except one also come from nicknames. Which one do you
think does NOT come from a nickname?
A. bobby pin
B. teddy bear
C. namby-pamby
D. smart aleck
Answer:
All of the terms except "bobby pin" arose from
nicknames.
"Groggy" comes from "Old Grog," a nickname British sailors
used for Admiral Edward Vernon (he got that name because he
had a habit of wearing a cloak made of a rough silk-blended
fabric named "grogram"). "Smart aleck" owes its origins to
a long-forgotten troublemaker named "Alexander." The teddy
bear's name remembers President Teddy Roosevelt. And "namby-
pamby," meaning "lacking in character or substance," was the
nickname of 18th-century poet Ambrose Phillips. The bobby pin
probably got its name from the noun "bob," which can mean "a
bunch or cluster," "a twist or curl of hair," or "a short
haircut."
Today's Jigsaw
puzzle
Click here
Entrepreneur
That's all for
today. Tune in tomorrow for some more stuff.
