|
|
 |
|
|
|
Thursday July 22nd,
2004
In
Today's Edition
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Born on July
22nd
Alan Menken
(1949)
Albert Brooks
(1947)
Danny Glover
(1947)
Don Henley
(1947)
Bobby Sherman
(1943)
Alex Trebek
(1940)
Terrence Stamp
(1939)
Louise Fletcher
(1934)
Orson Bean
(1928)
Bob Dole
(1923)
Alexander Calder
(1898)
Rose Kennedy
(1890)
July
23rd Birthday
Jay
Contreras
Happy
Anniversary July 23rd
Jay and
Lisa Contreras
Happy
Anniversary July 24th
Joe and
Rose Villalba
Happy
Birthday July 25th
Dora
Fung
Helpful Father
Joseph O'Riley goes into the confessional box and says, "Bless me
Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
Priest: "Is that you, little Joseph O'Riley?"
Joseph: "Yes Father, It is."
Priest: "Who was this woman you were with?"
Joseph: "I cannot tell you Father, because I don't want to ruin her
reputation."
Priest: "Was it Lisa Michelle Smith?"
Joseph: "No".
Priest: "Was it Mary Jane Wilson?"
Joseph: "No."
Priest: "Was it Susan Marie Johnson?"
Joseph: "No".
Priest: "Was it Shannon Marie O'Donald?"
Joseph: "No".
Priest: "Was it Kathy Ann Kennedy?"
Joseph: "No, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest finally gives up and says, "Joseph, I admire your
perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be
three Hail Mary's and four Our Fathers. Go back to your pew".
Joseph walks back to his pew and his friend, John, slides over and
whispers, "What happened?"
Joseph: "Well, I got three Hail Mary's, four Our Fathers, and five
good leads."
Today's useless
fact - What is in Mexican Jumping Beans that makes them jump?
They're magic. No, we kid. Actually, the movements of a jumping bean
are caused by a caterpillar that lives inside the seed. Butterflies
of the species laspey resia saltitans deposit their eggs in the
shrub's flower. After the eggs hatch, the caterpillars burrow into
the young seeds of the shrub. The caterpillar eats away the inside
of the seed, but it leaves the seed wall undamaged. The caterpillar
then builds a web along the inner wall.
Apparently, the seed jumps when the caterpillar grasps the web and
jerks its body vigorously. This helps scare away birds and other
animals that might try to eat the seeds.
Warmth increases the caterpillar activity and jumping. Jumping beans
remain active for several months. The caterpillar makes a circular
lid by cutting through the seed wall. The caterpillar later forms a
cocoon and begins to change into a butterfly. When the change is
completed, the adult butterfly pushes through the lid and leaves the
seed.
What's The
Buzzword For July 22nd?
schedule \SKEH-jool\ noun
What does it mean?
1 a : a written or printed list or catalog b : timetable
2 : program, agenda
How do you use it?
For once, we finished our project ahead of schedule.
Are you a word wiz?
Do you have time in your schedule to answer today's
Buzzword quiz? We are featuring "schedule" the noun, but
"schedule" is also a verb. Which of the following statements
about the two words do you think is true?
A. The noun and verb are about same age.
B. The verb is much older than the noun.
C. The noun is much older than the verb.
D. The verb is a little bit older than the noun.
Answer:
If you picked answer C, you're right! The verb "schedule"
dates to the mid-1800s, but the noun dates way back to the
1300s. We can trace the noun to Medieval Latin "scedula,"
meaning "slip, page, charter." "Scedula" comes from the
earlier Latin word "schedula," meaning "slip of paper."
Language experts think "schedula" derives from Latin
"scheda," which refers to a strip of papyrus, a material that
was used for writing before the introduction of paper.
"Scheda" probably comes from the Latin word "schedium" which
means "impromptu speech" and which traces to the Greek word
"schedion" meaning "casual."
Today's Jigsaw Puzzle
click here
ZORRO and CROSSDRESSER
That's all for
this week. Have a great weekend.
The following is what appeared in
Wednesday's edition............
In
Today's Edition
Trivia
In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man
on the moon before I hit a home run."
On July 20, 1969, a few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the
moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first, and only, home run.
Born on July 21st
Hatty Jones
(1988)
Josh Hartnett
(1978)
Jon Lovitz
(1957)
Robin Williams
(1952)
Cat Stevens
(1948)
Kenneth Starr
(1946)
Norman Jewison
(1926)
Don Knotts
(1924)
Kay Starr
(1922)
Isaac Stern
(1920)
Marshall McLuhan
(1911)
Ernest Hemingway
(1899)
Writer
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older
fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm
sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me?
My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message
and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked,
"Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at
the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-
writing.'?"
Can you
identify this celebrity from his high school picture?
answer below
Today's useless
fact - Which has more caffeine: a cup of coffee, a cup of tea, or
a glass of Coke?
You can call it 3,7-dihydro-1,3,7-trimethyl-1H-purine-2,6,-dione
OR 1,3,7-trimethylxanthine, but what we are really talking about
is CAFFEINE. Caffeine may be the most popular drug in the world.
We consume caffeine in coffee, tea, cocoa, chocolate, some soft
drinks, and some drugs. The actual source of caffeine is the
coffee bean, tea leaf, kola nut and cacao pod. Pure caffeine is
odorless and has a bitter taste.
We had to browse three different LUKOL categories to answer the
question on "caffeine winner", while drinking a nice cup of tea.
Our first stop was LUKOL
Tea Category
then we ventured into
Coffee Category
and our final stop was
Coca-Cola Category
We learned that coffee has the most caffeine with 47-164
milligrams per 5 ounce serving. The caffeine content depends on
how the coffee is brewed -- fresh drip has the highest level,
instant has the lowest. Second place is a little more difficult to
determine. A single serving of black tea (5 oz.) can have anywhere
from 25 to 110 milligrams of caffeine, while a single serving of
Coca-Cola (12 oz.) measures in with 46 milligrams. However, when
you break it down to caffeine per ounce, tea handily beats Coke.
Caffeine is a strong central nervous system stimulant. In moderate
doses, caffeine can: increase alertness, reduce fine motor
coordination, cause insomnia, cause headaches nervousness and
dizziness. In massive doses, caffeine is lethal. A fatal dose of
caffeine has been calculated to be more than 10 grams (about 170
mg/kg body weight) - this is the same as drinking 80 to 100 cups
of coffee in rapid succession - not an easy thing to do.
Answer
to Celebrity picture
Clint
Eastwood
What's The
Buzzword For July 21st?
effervesce \ef-er-VESS\
verb
What does it mean?
1 : to bubble, hiss, and foam as gas escapes
2 : to show liveliness or excitement
How do you use it?
Because of the bumpy car ride on the way to the picnic, the
soda effervesced and spilled out as soon as Jared opened the
can.
Are you a word wiz?
What do you think the root word of "effervesce" means?
A. to struggle
B. to boil
C. to dance
D. to transform
Answer:
The answer that bubbles to the top of this group is B.
"Effervesce" combines the Latin prefix "ex-," which means
"from" or "out of," with a form of the Latin verb "fervere,"
which means "to boil." If you've ever been sprayed by a cold
carbonated drink, though, you know that whatever effervesces
doesn't have to be boiling hot to bubble over. Some other
English words that can also be traced back to "fervere"
include "fervent," "fervid," and "fervor." A fervent or
fervid person exhibits great fervor and can be thought of
as bubbling over with warmth, feeling, or eagerness.
Today's Jigsaw Puzzle
click here
SHREK DOS
That's all for today. Tune in tomorrow for
more stuff.
The following is what appeared in
Tuesday's edition.......
In
Today's Edition
Because only if
you've been in the deepest valley can you ever know how
magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain
-Richard
M. Nixon
Born on July 20th
Chris Cornell
(1964)
Carlos Santana
(1947)
Kim Carnes
(1946)
Diana Rigg
(1938)
Natalie Wood
(1938)
Chuck Daly
(1933)
Sir Edmund Hillary
(1919)
Anal Glaucoma
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is
staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
Some of
you know about my childhood infatuation with ballerinas. I thought I
got over that when I entered adulthood. That's what I thought, until
I saw this babe.
Today's useless
fact - How are social security numbers generated? Are they
recycled?
We headed to the LUKOL
Social Security Directory
for the answer. The links listed there explained that the first
three digits of a social security number are assigned based on the
geographical location of the person obtaining a number. The
remaining six digits are "more or less randomly assigned."
Next, we went searching for an answer to your second question. The
Social Security Administration (SSA) states that it does not
re-assign numbers after the original holder's death. So far, over
400 million SSNs have been issued, and about 6 million new numbers
are assigned annually. Apparently there are enough numbers left to
last for several generations.
What's The
Buzzword For July 20th?
purport \per-PORT\ verb
What does it mean?
: to give the impression of being
How do you use it?
The movie purports to be a true account of what happened,
but a lot of the events it portrays are actually made up.
Are you a word wiz?
Our writers came up with four sentences that all purport
to use "purport" correctly, but only one does. Which one do
you think it is?
A. Our pet snake purported her body to
fit into her water
bowl.
B. Large columns decorated with garlands of flowers
purported the stage.
C. Our new neighbor purports to be a famous actor, but I've
not heard of him.
D. The scouts purported their findings back to their leader.
Answer:
Only sentence C does what it purports to do: it uses
"purport" correctly. In that sentence, a person gives the
impression of being an actor, but may not really be one.
Sentence A, which is about a pet snake purporting her body,
doesn't make sense until we replace "purport" with "contort."
Sentence B makes much more sense when we realize that the
stage is supported, not purported, by columns. And as for the
scouts in sentence D, they'd better report -- not purport --
back to their leaders.
Today's Jigsaw Puzzle
click here
CONTAGIOUS RENEE
That's all for today. Tune in tomorrow for
more stuff.
The following is what appeared in Monday's edition........
In
Today's Edition
From
the “It’s not over yet department”…
“Reflections of the demise of the Trib”
by former editor Joe
Garcia.
After writing the article of what
almost became of the Trib, I guess my
thoughts created a tidal wave, whose magnitude and impact was so
heavy it crushed all conscience barriers and lodged in the
unconscious, primordial portion of my brain.
Later that evening, when my head hit
the pillow, as my head began to feel drowsy, with my eyelids
becoming too heavy and closing, I started to …..
New York, New York
Donald Trump “The
Wizard of Wall Street”, the man who wants for nothing, the man who
collects real estate and companies like kids collect Pokemon
cards, captured another precious plum to add to his vast empire –
“The Neen Tribune”. Details of the buy-up will be discussed
shortly but first a little insight into Mr. Trump’s newest
conquest.
The Neen Tribune is a
webzine located on the west coast, whose circulation was
approximately 20 individuals when it started, four years ago, now
has readers numbering 150 million today. The Neen Tribune was the
brainchild of founder and current Publisher Esther “Neen” Aquino.
Ms. Aquino, without the aid of any publishing experience, created
this media marvel, using just a keen-o eye and a no-nonsense
approach. In a telephone interview she alluded, the nonsense and
ridiculous was left to former editor and current Vice President of
Operations, Joseph “The Cooler” Garcia and current editor,
Amerfino “Benny” Aquino. It is apparent to outsiders that Garcia’s
contribution was mainly in the initial creation of the site and
its direction. Amerfino took the site to a new level, embellishing
it (the website) with dazzling graphics and accessories, which
eventually caught Mr. Trump’s eye. Amerfino’s relationship to Neen
has not been established, this due possibly, to fear of outcries
of nepotism, by the publishing industry. (Nepotism is not
tolerated in the industry) As one individual who wished to remain
anonymous stated, “What? You guys want us to end up like the
postal industry?
Ms Aquino credited a
portion of The Trib’s success to her editors but states simply, in
a low whisper that, “without the off-beat, loco, one-sided,
*pendeho, twisted, demented,
sometimes naughty often times risqué humor of her editors, The
Neen Tribune most certainly would have had more success.”
Negotiations began
secretly in Downtown Las Vegas (hmmmm?) last Monday morning in the
Queen of Hearts Motel. The motel is located next door to the XXX
adult bookstore that is just two blocks down from Main Street
Station on Bonneville street. On hand from the Trib were: Vice
President of Operations, Joseph “The Cooler” Garcia and current
Editor, Amerfino “Benny” Aquino. (Neen Aquino was suspiciously
absent in the negotiations. Insiders say she has recently been
looking in new directions and was currently at home, involved in
her own negotiations. The insider added she was using her
no-nonsense approach in persuading a possible stubborn acquisition
to see things her way, using any means possible).
Assistants, Carolyn
Kepcher and George Ross, who remained in the background throughout
the negotiations, joined Donald Trump.
Garcia and Aquino
knew beforehand what to expect and were not going to be
intimidated. They knew they were wading in treacherous waters that
contained “The Great White Shark” They felt they started on the
right foot by demanding their choice of where the negotiations
should take place. They felt they could continue to achieve the
upper hand by stating their stipulations before Trump issued his.
They vowed to each other they were going to stand fast on their
demands and not back down. They were not going to be perceived by
Trump’s camp as a couple of pendehos. Garcia, Aquino and Trump
walked to the negotiation table (a coffee table with cigarette
burns and three dinette chairs). Just as Trump started to sit and
his posterior made contact with the duct tape holding the padding
in place on his chair, Garcia started to speak, “Mr. Trump we
stand fast on the following issues: Demand number one: The Neen
Tribune will keep its name and can never be changed. Demand number
two: The format and layout for the paper would remain the same.
Demand number three: The Editor will keep his job until he
retires. Demand number four: The Tribune would be sold at a cost
of no less than 1.5 million dollars.”
Garcia and Aquino
knew they were in for a long night when after a slight pause,
Trump began to convulse, arms crossed holding in his sides,
fearing they would burst from the laughter that emanating from
him. His laughter was so great he slipped off the chair and onto
the floor, on his back rolling back and forth, like a rolling pin,
holding his sides. As he rolled back and forth, his hair combed
and weaved like a turban, would flap like a palm frond against his
scalp. At times he laughed so hard he couldn’t keep from
flatulating, he tried to tighten his cheeks together but it was no
use as little squeaks and toots popped out. Stuck to his butt was
a piece of duct tape (from the chair) full of lint picked up from
rolling on the un-vacuumed carpet. When his laughter would not
cease, and he couldn’t catch his breath, his assistants quickly
went to his aide, lifting him up and out of the room and into a
parked limo. The last sight of him was the duct tape still stuck
to his rear as he entered the limo. As the limo headed out to the
nearest medical facility, assistant Carolyn Kepcher rolled her
window down (you could hear Trump still laughing, farting and
moaning from inside) and said to Garcia and Aquino, “go to lunch
and we’ll be getting in touch with yous guys as soon as Mr. Trump
receives medical care.” Garcia and Aquino looked at each other and
proceeded to go to lunch next door at “Wok Your Dog” diner,
specializing in a combination Vietnamese cuisine and monster hot
dogs. Garcia and Aquino ate, went back to the Queen of Hearts
Motel and waited. At 4:00 pm they received a call from Carolyn
Kepcher. She said to Garcia and Aquino, Trump’s doctor
Proctologist, Dr. I. Malthumz said he should not travel so they
would have to go to Trumps hotel. She added that Trump thought
their demands were outrageous. If he bought the paper he would
give it a new name, bring in his own people and pay less than 1.5
million. When Garcia and Aquino arrived at the hotel it was 5:00
pm. Trump was seated in a chair with an extra bed pillow on it. He
greeted the pair without standing. He reiterated that their
demands were ridiculous and he would not back down from his. 10
hours later at 3:00 am the next morning, the parties shook hands
and the deal was finally made. (see photo below) The terms of
the deal? The Neen Tribune would keep its name, Amerfino would
remain as Editor. The Neen Tribune would have to receive a full
facelift, a complete new look. The Neen would be sold for $47.23
and tax. Garcia and Aquino smiled at each other, patted each other
on the back, and took off to the “Wok Your Dog” diner for
breakfast.
* spanish word meaning a big dummy
Story by Joseph Garcia
Artwork by Amerfino
Born on July 19th
Anthony Edwards (1962)
Brian May (1947)
Vikki Carr (1941)
George McGovern (1922)
Lizzie Borden (1860)
Edgar Degas (1834)
What?
A lady walks into a Lexus dealership and browses around.
Suddenly she spots the
most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to
inspect it.
As she bends forward to feel
the fine leather upholstery, an
unexpected little burst of
flatulence escapes her. Very
embarrassed, she anxiously
looks around to see if anyone has
noticed and hopes a sales
person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing
next to her is a salesman. With
a pleasant smile he greets her,
"Good day, Madame. How may we help
you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of
sophistication and acting as though
nothing had happened, she smiles back
and asks,
"Sir, what is the price of this
lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replies,
"Madame, I'm very sorry to say that
if you farted just touching
it, you are gonna shit when you
hear the price.
Today's useless
fact - Why are the letters on the keyboard arranged the way
they are?
In a qwest for qwerty puzzle, we checked the links listed in the
LUKOL
Keyboard Directory.
We learned that "The Sholes & Glidden Type Writer", the first of
its kind, was introduced to an unsuspecting public by the
Remington family of gunmakers in 1874. The Sholes & Glidden was a
heavy, bulky, barely functional machine that jammed in a strong
breeze. As a result, its puzzling new QWERTY keyboard was designed
to be difficult.
That's right - the slower you typed, the less chance that the
keyboard spokes (not the official term) would slam into one
another as they rushed towards the page. Thus, the keyboard we use
today is a "paragon of inefficiency."
While other keyboard arrangements have been proposed, ones that
actually make it easier to type, they've generally met the same
fate as Esperanto.
What's The
Buzzword For July 19th?
pitfall \PIT-fawl\ noun
What does it mean?
: a danger or difficulty that is hidden or is not easily
recognized
How do you use it?
A knee injury is just one of the pitfalls a football player
will face on the field.
Are you a word wiz?
We've given you the most common sense of "pitfall" above,
but it has another sense. Which of the items given below
is the other sense of "pitfall"?
A. a humiliating mishap or blunder
B. a place where cars are serviced
C. a popular video game
D. a covered pit used as a trap
Answer:
You avoided our traps if you chose answer D! The earliest
sense of "pitfall" refers to a type of trap used to capture
animals or people. This particular trap is made by digging
a deep pit in the ground, covering it, and then camouflaging
it. When the quarry walks over the cover, it falls through
the cover into the pit and is trapped. This literal "pitfall"
gave rise to the figurative sense we use today of a hidden
danger or difficulty.
Today's Jigsaw Puzzle
click here
LOS BABOSOS
That's all for today. Tune in tomorrow for
more stuff.
|
|
|
|
|
|
